My last post was called A Jumbled Mess or Something Beautiful. It was about my life. The daily occurences, the jumbled mess that I pray God makes into something beautiful. Lately God has been showing me such beauty!
Oh His glorious, bountiful, amazing beauty! I follow a blog called WavyBel. It is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and tear inducing. This woman has had her whole world turned upside down and she still praises God. It's so AMAZING! It's so easy to see the broken in this world we live in. To look around and see chaos. Broken hearts, broken homes, broken lives. So today, I choose beauty. Beauty in the broken. This blog, WavyBel, one day she posted about her AND. That no matter what, no matter the situation she always, always, always has an &. In Christ we have an AND. We can have sorrow & joy. Chaos & peace. For just a minute I want to think about the ANDs in my life (and those dear to me).
I have a friend who is in the midst of some horrible health issues. Some days it's hard for her to walk. Some days she just has to sit and cry because she's so young, has young babies and just wants to be well. Some days she is broken. AND. And she is beautiful. Because she cries out to God, seeks His will, loves Him fervently and tackles these challenges head on. Some days are hard, so very hard, but she presses on.
I have a friend who is in the process of adopting. It's hard, it's frustrating, it's expensive. She and her husband have open hearts and an open home and empty hands. Some days she is broken. AND. And she is beautiful. She has poured her heart out to God, praying for her hands to be full of squishy baby. The process continues AND she has faith that one day, very soon, they'll have a baby to love on.
Some of my church family just returned from Nicaraugua. They're posting pictures like crazy. Brokenness. Homes with plastic sheeting. Toy cars made from soda bottles. Dirty little faces. AND. And they are beautiful. Homes were built. Lives were changed. The Spirit of God was all over the people in that small village.
I have a husband whose grandmother just passed away. He barely knew this woman and realized that his heart was full of bitterness he never knew was there. He is a man who is broken. AND. And he is beautiful because he recognized his weakness and sought prayer. He is seeking God's direction. Beauty.
We work with teenagers at our church. They are broken. Broken. Some speak openly of their brokenness. Some live in a private hell they don't talk about. Some don't even know they're broken. But we see it. AND. And they are SO beautiful. When they cry out to God and completely surrender to Him, His leading, I can't even tell you how beautiful that is. When they just start to think they might need Someone else, so beautiful. When they finally say something in group, beautiful. When they take communion together on a Wednesday night. Beauty!
I have a marriage that was broken. When I say broken, I mean broken, broken. We were on the brink of divorce. AND. And our marriage was made beautiful. God has redeemed us and through Him, our marriage has been saved.
I am broken. I am a sinner. I struggle with sin. Often. AND. And I am beautiful. I am covered by the blood of the Lamb. Jesus has made me whole. I desire to be in fellowship with Him. Oh that others would see the Beauty in the Broken.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
A Jumbled Mess or Something Beautiful?
It's been nearly a year since I've sat down to write a blog posting. There are a thousand reasons I've stayed silent (at least to the internet). Four crazy kids, The Facebook, a house that is a giant disaster, a husband who works hard and deserves a homemade dinner, laziness, The Netflix, that confounded Pinterest, and fun outings with children.
I'm not even sure what I'm going to type about. To be honest, I haven't typed on a conventional keyboard in a LONG time. Our laptop cord was broken and that made it pretty tricky to write a post. I guess I'll just type out some musings. If they appear to be a jumbled mess, so be it. I'll take it! At least it'll be out of my head.
What happened in the last year? Well, Grace successfully rocked first grade and is the ripe old age of 7. She is an AMAZING reader! She loves to read. She reads to her sisters, reads to herself. She loves American Girls books, the Little House on the Prairie series (something I'm sad to say, I've never read), her new Bible. Anything she can get her hands on, she reads. AND I LOVE IT! I'm a bookworm by nature and it's so neat to see my daughter delve into books wholeheartedly!
Emma is as precocious as ever. At 5, she's so curious, we think she's going to be a detective or an investigative reporter. She loves playing with Barbies (and drives me crazy because she chews their shoes). She is gearing up to start Kindergarten. My Emma is going to be in Kindergarten! I can hardly believe it. She did a great job at her K screening, impressing all the teachers.
Claire. Oh, Claire. She's so funny. Every time she talks, something hilarious comes out. She loves her "guys", two little boys that are nearly her age. She's a ham. She's also entering the stage of defiance and hitting. Challenges, challenges. Potty training is nearly complete! She showed zero interest until around the time she turned 3. She wears panties everyday, Pull-Ups only at nap and bedtime. Bit by bit, we're getting there!
And finally, Ava. Ava turned 1 not so long ago! The day was full of cake, presents and fun. She's a crawling genius and is pulling up on everything. Grace is adamant that she has seen Ava stand up without any kind of table to lean on. I haven't seen it, therefore, it didn't happen. She is such a joy! Full of "selective smiles" and waves for everyone.
What else? What else? Aaron and I are getting ready to celebrate 9 years of marriage. Nine years! We've been together for 12, married for 9. We've had our ups and downs, our peaks and valleys for sure. But, I'm happy to say that I'm married to a great guy. He's hardworking, loves his family, thinks he's hilarious (which he is...), and is a wonderful God-loving man.
In the last year, we've rearranged furniture. Thought about moving. Worked on becoming debt-free. Loved on some teenagers. Prayed over lots of circumstances. Had a couple of Date Nights. Celebrated the marriage of a dear friend. Friends have welcomed babies both through the miracle of birth and the miracle of adoption. AWESOME! We've watched friends move away, far away, to pursue the ministry God has called them to. Also AWESOME!
We've also had our fair share of heartache. On Thanksgiving 2011, I, on a whim, took a pregnancy test. Much to my shock and chagrin, it came up positive. After some discussion (mostly: 5 kids, we have to move, could be a boy, bet it's a girl, woo hoo, a baby is a blessing, God knows what he's doing) Aaron and I opted to keep it to ourselves. We wanted to hang on to our secret for just a bit. Ava was such a shock to me, I chose to embrace this baby with abandon. I had missed out on so much of the joy with her because I was scared. We kept it to ourselves, reveled in the craziness that was to come. Thanksgiving was fun, because we had a secret. On Wednesday of the following week, I was on the phone with a friend. Aaron said I could tell her, and I did. She squealed with delight, promised to keep it hush and shared our joy. My parents came over for dinner a week later, Thursday, and somehow we told them too. Aaron called his mom, to share the news with her. That night, I started spotting. By Friday evening it was heavier. We made some calls and decided to go to the hospital. Friends called at strategic moments, we gave them a tiny bit of info and asked them to pray. After lots of bloodwork, tests, and ultrasounds we were told that I was either barely pregnant (a week or so along), or losing the baby. We knew I had to be further along, which meant we were losing the baby. I was okay until Sunday morning. I got ready for church, got in the van, and lost it. Aaron looked at me and told me I didn't have to go, that it would be okay for me to stay home. I needed that. NEEDED him to say, stay. So, I did. I went inside, borrowed a stuffed animal from one of the girls and cried myself to sleep. For the next week I was numb.
I used to think that I couldn't survive a miscarriage, that I would fall apart. I survived. It sucks. But, I've survived. I don't know how to explain it, but, it's a roller coaster of emotion. Almost everyday is good, but some random thing will send me over the edge, and the tears start coming. I pulled myself together enough to enjoy Christmas with the girls, even though we couldn't surprise them with the news on Christmas morning. I had a really rough time in March when a friend had a baby and another found out they were having a girl. And, I know the end of June is coming. Our due date was June 28th. I'll be in St. Louis with a bunch of teenagers, so I'm hoping I'll be distracted enough. Aaron has been a rock. He is not usually a super sensitive guy, but when I broke down he held me and said the right things at the right times. He prayed over me when I needed it most.
I'm not sure how to segue to other topics, so on to the next jumbled mess! I have three half sisters. It's a LONG story, but, short version, I didn't get to grow up with them. One of my sisters is open to a relationship, and so am I! I have 2 nieces I hardly know. They're right around my girls age. How fun would it be for them to grow up together? As cousins! With this relationship comes lots of childhood drama to sort through and lots of areas of forgiveness I need to work through. Things I've held onto for FAR too long. But, I'm ready!
And, lastly homeschooling! We tried it for Kindergarten with Grace. I was unprepared and she was more advanced than our curriculum so we opted to send her to public school. She thrived. Grace loves school and does well. But. There have been some issues of character that we know we need to address. Home seems like the best place to pour our values and love into her, building a strong foundation of character. We're still praying over this and are leaning towards it heavily. Both Grace and Emma are aware and okay with it. They know they'll still see their friends and we intend to do Girl Scouts and other activities to keep them involved.
So there it is, the jumbled mess that has been my life for the last year. I'm sure there's more (much more) but those are the highlights. I wish I knew why. Why do some things happen the way they do? But I don't. And, it's probably a good thing I don't! All I know is His ways are higher. So much higher! He knows what is best for me. He knows what I truly need. He knows how to take my brokenness, my jumbled mess and create something beautiful. He makes all things new! ALL things. In Him, I am a new creation. I am beautiful. The jumbled mess of my life is beautiful because His blood covers it. All of it. And that is something I need to work on. I need to start surrendering everything, all of me. My kids, my home, my husband, the baby we lost, my childhood, our ministry, homeschooling, home ownership, debt resolution, etc. ALL of it has to be surrendered. Because, if I don't surrender, my mess will still be jumbled. And I want something BEAUTIFUL! I want something someone can look at and say, "Wow. After all of that... It's gotta be God." Woo hoo!
I'm not even sure what I'm going to type about. To be honest, I haven't typed on a conventional keyboard in a LONG time. Our laptop cord was broken and that made it pretty tricky to write a post. I guess I'll just type out some musings. If they appear to be a jumbled mess, so be it. I'll take it! At least it'll be out of my head.
What happened in the last year? Well, Grace successfully rocked first grade and is the ripe old age of 7. She is an AMAZING reader! She loves to read. She reads to her sisters, reads to herself. She loves American Girls books, the Little House on the Prairie series (something I'm sad to say, I've never read), her new Bible. Anything she can get her hands on, she reads. AND I LOVE IT! I'm a bookworm by nature and it's so neat to see my daughter delve into books wholeheartedly!
Emma is as precocious as ever. At 5, she's so curious, we think she's going to be a detective or an investigative reporter. She loves playing with Barbies (and drives me crazy because she chews their shoes). She is gearing up to start Kindergarten. My Emma is going to be in Kindergarten! I can hardly believe it. She did a great job at her K screening, impressing all the teachers.
Claire. Oh, Claire. She's so funny. Every time she talks, something hilarious comes out. She loves her "guys", two little boys that are nearly her age. She's a ham. She's also entering the stage of defiance and hitting. Challenges, challenges. Potty training is nearly complete! She showed zero interest until around the time she turned 3. She wears panties everyday, Pull-Ups only at nap and bedtime. Bit by bit, we're getting there!
And finally, Ava. Ava turned 1 not so long ago! The day was full of cake, presents and fun. She's a crawling genius and is pulling up on everything. Grace is adamant that she has seen Ava stand up without any kind of table to lean on. I haven't seen it, therefore, it didn't happen. She is such a joy! Full of "selective smiles" and waves for everyone.
What else? What else? Aaron and I are getting ready to celebrate 9 years of marriage. Nine years! We've been together for 12, married for 9. We've had our ups and downs, our peaks and valleys for sure. But, I'm happy to say that I'm married to a great guy. He's hardworking, loves his family, thinks he's hilarious (which he is...), and is a wonderful God-loving man.
In the last year, we've rearranged furniture. Thought about moving. Worked on becoming debt-free. Loved on some teenagers. Prayed over lots of circumstances. Had a couple of Date Nights. Celebrated the marriage of a dear friend. Friends have welcomed babies both through the miracle of birth and the miracle of adoption. AWESOME! We've watched friends move away, far away, to pursue the ministry God has called them to. Also AWESOME!
We've also had our fair share of heartache. On Thanksgiving 2011, I, on a whim, took a pregnancy test. Much to my shock and chagrin, it came up positive. After some discussion (mostly: 5 kids, we have to move, could be a boy, bet it's a girl, woo hoo, a baby is a blessing, God knows what he's doing) Aaron and I opted to keep it to ourselves. We wanted to hang on to our secret for just a bit. Ava was such a shock to me, I chose to embrace this baby with abandon. I had missed out on so much of the joy with her because I was scared. We kept it to ourselves, reveled in the craziness that was to come. Thanksgiving was fun, because we had a secret. On Wednesday of the following week, I was on the phone with a friend. Aaron said I could tell her, and I did. She squealed with delight, promised to keep it hush and shared our joy. My parents came over for dinner a week later, Thursday, and somehow we told them too. Aaron called his mom, to share the news with her. That night, I started spotting. By Friday evening it was heavier. We made some calls and decided to go to the hospital. Friends called at strategic moments, we gave them a tiny bit of info and asked them to pray. After lots of bloodwork, tests, and ultrasounds we were told that I was either barely pregnant (a week or so along), or losing the baby. We knew I had to be further along, which meant we were losing the baby. I was okay until Sunday morning. I got ready for church, got in the van, and lost it. Aaron looked at me and told me I didn't have to go, that it would be okay for me to stay home. I needed that. NEEDED him to say, stay. So, I did. I went inside, borrowed a stuffed animal from one of the girls and cried myself to sleep. For the next week I was numb.
I used to think that I couldn't survive a miscarriage, that I would fall apart. I survived. It sucks. But, I've survived. I don't know how to explain it, but, it's a roller coaster of emotion. Almost everyday is good, but some random thing will send me over the edge, and the tears start coming. I pulled myself together enough to enjoy Christmas with the girls, even though we couldn't surprise them with the news on Christmas morning. I had a really rough time in March when a friend had a baby and another found out they were having a girl. And, I know the end of June is coming. Our due date was June 28th. I'll be in St. Louis with a bunch of teenagers, so I'm hoping I'll be distracted enough. Aaron has been a rock. He is not usually a super sensitive guy, but when I broke down he held me and said the right things at the right times. He prayed over me when I needed it most.
I'm not sure how to segue to other topics, so on to the next jumbled mess! I have three half sisters. It's a LONG story, but, short version, I didn't get to grow up with them. One of my sisters is open to a relationship, and so am I! I have 2 nieces I hardly know. They're right around my girls age. How fun would it be for them to grow up together? As cousins! With this relationship comes lots of childhood drama to sort through and lots of areas of forgiveness I need to work through. Things I've held onto for FAR too long. But, I'm ready!
And, lastly homeschooling! We tried it for Kindergarten with Grace. I was unprepared and she was more advanced than our curriculum so we opted to send her to public school. She thrived. Grace loves school and does well. But. There have been some issues of character that we know we need to address. Home seems like the best place to pour our values and love into her, building a strong foundation of character. We're still praying over this and are leaning towards it heavily. Both Grace and Emma are aware and okay with it. They know they'll still see their friends and we intend to do Girl Scouts and other activities to keep them involved.
So there it is, the jumbled mess that has been my life for the last year. I'm sure there's more (much more) but those are the highlights. I wish I knew why. Why do some things happen the way they do? But I don't. And, it's probably a good thing I don't! All I know is His ways are higher. So much higher! He knows what is best for me. He knows what I truly need. He knows how to take my brokenness, my jumbled mess and create something beautiful. He makes all things new! ALL things. In Him, I am a new creation. I am beautiful. The jumbled mess of my life is beautiful because His blood covers it. All of it. And that is something I need to work on. I need to start surrendering everything, all of me. My kids, my home, my husband, the baby we lost, my childhood, our ministry, homeschooling, home ownership, debt resolution, etc. ALL of it has to be surrendered. Because, if I don't surrender, my mess will still be jumbled. And I want something BEAUTIFUL! I want something someone can look at and say, "Wow. After all of that... It's gotta be God." Woo hoo!
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