My life is messy and lately it's been overwhelming. I had another baby girl (that's 5 for those of you keeping track) right before Thanksgiving. Two weeks later I was in the ER getting an epidural blood patch for spinal headaches that hadn't ceased since her birth. It only worked for 15 hours. A week later my gallbladder was removed. A week after that was Christmas, and two weeks later we resumed our homeschool schedule. Pure madness. While Lucy is awesome (like her sisters before her) and slept through the night by 6 weeks, lately, it's just been too much.
Too. Much. I don't know if it's because I haven't been out of the house with just my husband (commonly referred to as a date) for over 3 months. I don't know if it's the disgusting winter grossness that we are in. Or the fact that I am attempting to simplify and eliminate clutter from our lives, which in and of itself, is too much. Or trying to lose 5 babies worth of extra pounds to get healthy so I can enjoy these girls a little more. I don't know if it's the lack of fellowship with other ladies. Or the children who are always nearby because we live in a small space and homeschool (so they never leave). Or the medical bills that won't stop filling our mailbox. I don't know if it's the household monotony (I mean really, laundry, dinner and dishes everyday. Come on.) I cannot say what it is. But, it's been too much. Last week, I lost it.
I was weepy, full of self-pity, self-reliance, short-tempered. Mean. And based on my husbands assessment after the fact, not much fun to be around. And yet, I stayed there. Stuck. Wallowing in my Mess. I refused to step outside of it. Outside of myself. I yelled (more than normal). I wasn't the greatest teacher. I resented every piece of clothing I tossed in the machine. I forgot to thaw out dinner, and then, I didn't care. I get it now. Postpartum depression. Postpartum psychosis. Moms who truly snap one day. And, that's terrifying. And so, so, so very sad.
I have it pretty great. A husband who loves me and works hard so I can stay home. So I can do this mothering thing full time. Kids who are fantastic. They're helpful and funny and beautiful and amazing. Gifts. Joy. Miracles. I have a Savior who died so the muck that I was stuck in would never have a hold on me. I have a church that has met our physical and spiritual needs countless times without ever needing to ask. I have friends who would drop everything to take me to coffee. But for some reason, none of that mattered. None of it.
Sunday we went to church as usual. Frankly, I wanted to stay home. I was grouchy and didn't want to smile at people. Or sit with teenagers (I love teenagers, but I was still stuck). Or sing praise songs. Oh, goodness, no praise songs please. I had no sick kids, no legitimate excuse to stay home. So I went. And talked to teenagers. And went to sing praises. And then they changed it up on me. We sang and then they opened the floor for people to share testimonies. Scripture. Truth. Praises. Who God is and what He's been doing in their lives. One woman who I love dearly got up and spoke about how hard it is out there, in the world. How some days she wants to throw in the towel and call it quits (exactly where my heart was). How much she needs the community of believers that we belong to. How thankful she is for the restorative grace that can only be found in Him. Sweet, sweet Jesus. Ms. Lisa, you don't know it, but God used that moment of authenticity. Your honesty and vulnerability started the chipping away of my Mess. So, thank you for being real. Seconds later we sang Lord, I Need You. The lyrics spoke to my heart. They resonated into the very fiber of my being and brought about tears, prayers and brokenness. The song became my prayer.
"Lord, I Need You"
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
I spent the rest of service looking up scripture. Words of truth to hold onto in the midst of my Mess. My crazy. My reality. The gifts that have been given to me by a glorious God. One who knows that my faith is not tested by little things, but by much. Too. Much.
Did I come into the house Sunday afternoon a completely awesome wife and mom? No. But I was a little better. Sunday evening a friend sent out a request for prayer. Somehow I managed to hijack that thread (sorry Friend!) and two sweet ladies asked if I was okay. They asked. They checked to be sure I was okay. And that was glorious! And then they promised to pray. There really is nothing anyone can DO to help with my day to day Mess (unless you wanna scrub my bathtub, because... it's gross) but knowing I have Sweet Sisters who are praying helps.
Wednesday I was perusing The Facebook and came across a post by Ann Voscamp. 1000 Gifts. The premise is that we have been unbelievably blessed by a glorious God. A God who pours out his grace, mercy and love on us lavishly. But in the midst of the Mess we can so easily lose sight of those gifts. She challenged me (well, everyone, but I'm taking it as a personal challenge) to live a life of joy. To count just 3 gifts a day. By then end of the year I'll have counted over 1000 gifts. Is that not beautiful? I think, at this stage of my life, daily gratitude will go a long way. A moment to STOP and be grateful. http://onethousandgifts.com/a-letter-from-ann
http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/
So, I was on the upswing. Praying. Practicing gratitude. And then this happened. #iheartzion Watch it.
http://www.christianpost.com/news/baby-zion-blick-only-lived-10-days-but-parents-say-his-life-brought-them-closer-to-god-video-114087/
If you have never ugly face cried before, I'm guessing you have now. Whoa. 10 days. These parents had 10 days to love their child. How much time do I have? 10 more days? 10 years? A lifetime? The great mystery of life is that I don't know. These girls are not mine. They never were. They have been gifted to me. To love. To lead. To train up. And it hit me.
Real life happens. And sometimes it's messy. And gross. And hard. And it hurts. This gift of motherhood that I was mired in, resentful of, is truly a gift. A miracle that I too often take for granted. My bitterness breaks the heart of my husband, who loves me and desires to see me joyful. My complaining breaks the heart of my friends who would give anything for 10 minutes of my life full of babies. My grouchiness breaks the heart of my girls who need a mom that leads by example. My unwillingness to seek out help breaks the heart of my friends and family who love me and would help, if only I would ask. My Mess, when carried on my own, breaks the heart of my God, who willingly would carry it all, if only I would give it up.
The Trifecta. Worship, 1000 Gifts, and 10 Days. This is it. This is not my Mess. It's His. He can take care of it. He can carry it. He tells me to give it to Him. So take it Lord! Carry these girls, this husband, this house, our schooling, our future plans, where we will live, what we will do. All of it. It's not mine. It's yours! And, that is Freedom. Fantastic, amazing, beautiful Freedom.
Real life requires real confessions from real people. What do you need to give up to experience Freedom today?
